Fill-Challenge 13

[romanajo123]

 Day early, but here it is. For the Chocolate Box event.  My assignment asked for Six with either Peri, Charley, Evelyn or Mel.  I chose Mel and trying to do something a little different (a different kind of POV). Feedback/help is love~

People of Dorallan
Lend your ears and listen well
As I recount our darkest day
And tell of the Doctor and the one called Mel

The TARDIS screeched into life atop a bright orange cliff overlooking a reflective teal lake. As the door opened, two figures emerged: one a blond man whose coat made him look like a circus performer and a woman dressed in bright pastels with a head of fiery red hair. 

"Dorallan!" the blond announced, rather dramatically "Mel, my dear, did I not promise you a bit of relaxation?"

"Yes Doctor, it looks very nice" the woman responded "Though it might've been better had you not parked us on a cliff. In the short time I've been with you, your navigating skills leave a bit to be desired." 

"Nonsense!" he cried. "My navigating skills are wonderful. At least, according to Amelia Earhart,"

At that, his companion chuckled. "Now you're showing off!" 

The Doctor took Mel's hand. "Well, come on then.  The last time I was here, there was a marvellous inn where they had a delightful breakfast. Shall we go?"

As the duo left their travel capsule in search of breakfast, Mel couldn't help but notice something in the air- a noise like an electronic hum, low but growing rather egregious the farther they went. 

Yes things had changed on this world
Since the Doctor came before
And terrible electric creatures
Were indeed what was in store...

Comments

[shivver]

It's looking really good so far! Can't wait to see what happens!

Feedback/help.... I can't really help you with Mel's voice, as I'm not that familiar with her (even though Paradise Towers is one of my favorite episodes). You're doing great with the Doctor. I've found that simply replacing his words with new ones with as many syllables as possible helps. :D I'd expand his line about the breakfast, having him describe the foods, because if there's one thing Six likes to do, it's talk. And show off. Two things he likes to do.

I really like the poetry storytelling! Definitely adds to the story! If you really want to stick it, though, you need to keep the meter constant - that's expected in chanted poetry like this. It looks like you're trying to do an iambic tetrameter ("da-DUM' four times - "yes THINGS had CHANGED up-ON this WORLD" (yes, I changed the one word)), but it's not consistent.

Some suggestions: Expand the first line, like "Fair lads and lasses of Dorallan". You can put an "Oh" at the beginning of the second line. Fourth line - "And the Doctor and the one called Mel" (yes, you can have an extra syllable as long as it's not the heavy one).

Second verse, second line "Since the Doctor visited long before". Not sure you want to tell the reader what's coming up, the electric creatures, but either way, I'm stumped a bit. Maybe it's too late at night for poetry. :)

[romanajo123]

Thank you!!

It was kind of cool trying poetry- and I learned what iambic tetrameter means. I knew pentameter ( from studying Shakespeare) but not this one. And it’s, honestly kind of difficult to keep it consistent. Lol I was close to getting my tambourine ( I have one) out while reading so I could hear the syllables! :D