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tenminutesaday2023-08-11 07:15 pm
romanajo123) wrote in tenminutesaday2023-08-11 07:15 pm
Fill- Challenge 243 (DW)
The sound of screeching metal echoed through the cave as the blue box faded into existence.
"Where are we, do you think?" Nyssa asked, blinking a few times as her eyes adjusted to the flurescent light flooding around them.
The Doctor scanned the area. "Ah, it appears to be some kind of cave. However... one with flourescent lighting and rather advanced lab equipment . " He explained, placing his hands in his coat pockets.
"Oh!"Nyssa exclaimed, sniffing the air. " It smells a bit like disinfectant. Perhaps it's a kind of medical laboratory?" Glancing around, she couldn't help noticing an array of glistening instruments on a counter, a basin carved from a rock in the wall (most likely for washing or sterilizing), but what caught her eye the most was something in the corner of the room. " Look!" she gasped.
Both travellers made their way over to the corner, where positioned on the wall stood a clear glass case. Swirling bubbles of blue viscous liquid surged within it and something rather small and coral colored seemed to stir.
:What do you think it is?" Nyssa whispered, watching the creature open one eye, then another as if for the first time.
"I believe it's an incubator, Nyssa. Most civilizations have some manner of care for their own species during the first few days of life. And this one seems to have just awoken."
"Where are we, do you think?" Nyssa asked, blinking a few times as her eyes adjusted to the flurescent light flooding around them.
The Doctor scanned the area. "Ah, it appears to be some kind of cave. However... one with flourescent lighting and rather advanced lab equipment . " He explained, placing his hands in his coat pockets.
"Oh!"Nyssa exclaimed, sniffing the air. " It smells a bit like disinfectant. Perhaps it's a kind of medical laboratory?" Glancing around, she couldn't help noticing an array of glistening instruments on a counter, a basin carved from a rock in the wall (most likely for washing or sterilizing), but what caught her eye the most was something in the corner of the room. " Look!" she gasped.
Both travellers made their way over to the corner, where positioned on the wall stood a clear glass case. Swirling bubbles of blue viscous liquid surged within it and something rather small and coral colored seemed to stir.
:What do you think it is?" Nyssa whispered, watching the creature open one eye, then another as if for the first time.
"I believe it's an incubator, Nyssa. Most civilizations have some manner of care for their own species during the first few days of life. And this one seems to have just awoken."
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A few style bits:
The pair never actually step out of the TARDIS - it materializes, and then Nyssa's blinking. I'm not entirely sure she'd be blinking at fluorescent lights after stepping out of Five's brightly-lit console room.
"She couldn't help noticing" - You're hedging here. "She noticed" or "she saw".
Don't use parentheses if you can avoid it. In this case, commas are fine, but honestly, what the basin might be for isn't entirely necessary here - both Nyssa and the reader will assume its function just fine. If you really want to call it out, "a washing basin" is enough.
"what caught her eye the most" - again, hedging. And then you mention the corner twice. You're trying to describe the room from her point of view, so do it directly. "Amid counters with glistening instruments and a washing basin carved from the rock wall, a glass case in the corner caught her eye, and she gasped, pointing. "Look!"
"Both travellers made their way" - more hedging. Avoid using descriptors that aren't relevant. We know they're travellers, but it isn't important to this scene - neither would "the Time Lord" or "the Trakenite". They're distractions. Keep it simple - "The Doctor and Nyssa" or "They". Using their names or simply "he" or "she" or "they" is actually preferable. Also, describe them moving, not just "made their way", even if you just say that they "strode over" - that helps the reader picture them.
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The latter is still kind of unbearable , since there has to be a good way to use adverbs sometimes