Fill-Challenge 1

[romanajo123]

(The Beast Below)

"Stop!  You mustn't do that!"

Not heeding the girl's warning , Amy ventured into the hut anyway.  It appeared to be pulsating red light Searching around , she came across a windup torch. 

"That's weird" she said to herself, "That's-" 
At that moment, something lashed out at her; like an octopus tentacle. She shrieked and tried to back out of the hut only to notice she was surrounded by clockwork men. Within seconds,  she was on the floor as a wave of sleeping gas from one's ring overwhelmed her.

Amy awoke to find she was in a chair, facing four huge television screens and two buttons: one marked Forget and the other Protest. She watched as the computer confirmed her name and age (though it seemed to think she was 1306),
She laughed. "Shut up!" 
The screen changed to an image of an older man explaining about what she was about to watch and how she had the choice to Forget or Protest.  In rapid succession, Amy saw images of fire and burning, In shock, she pressed Forget. 

Comments

[shivver]

Nice! It took me a while to figure out when exactly this happened during the episode, but that's because I haven't seen it in years. Good use of action words - lashed, shrieked.

Style suggestion: try to avoid "was" - it's a passive word. After writing, search for "was" and try to replace it with a stronger phrase. "She was on the floor" -> "She collapsed". "Amy awoke to find she was in a chair" -> "Amy awoke in a chair".

"Explaining about what she was about to watch" -> This one's a lot harder to adjust. Given this is a novelization, you'd probably write what the video showed: "A man appeared on the screen. 'Greetings,' he said, his eyes locked on hers. 'The video you are about to see...'" etc. etc. (I don't remember what actually happened in this scene.)

[romanajo123]

I hadn’t seen it either until a few days ago ( I picked a random episode on HBO Max).

And thanks for suggestions! I wasn’t sure about describing what was on the video. Though it kind of is plot relevant, didn’t want to go too long.

[shivver]

Well, "too long" is entirely subjective. As far as this challenge comm goes, the point is to encourage you to write regularly, so if you're working on a challenge and you want to write 10,000 words for it, then DO IT! :D The challenges are meant to be 10 mins to produce a scene, but if you want to spend two hours to produce a full story, then DO IT! :D

[romanajo123]

noted :D