Fill- Challenge 168 ( orig)

[romanajo123]

 ( I had to look up what caviar looked and tasted like.  I know what it is... sort of.   I haven't had it before, but I've had sushi , which I can tolerate. I literally asked my phone "what does Caviar taste like?" :) Count is 315 ) 

Mandy opened the door to her dorm room late that afternoon. It was the last day of finals week, and that meant Christmas break was getting closer every single minute.  Opening the door,  she saw her friend Alex, practically jumping for joy and carrying a large cardboard box. Which she prmptly tossed on to Mandy's bed. 

"Early Christmas care package from my aunt" Alex explained, excitedly tearing it open and starting to unbox the gifts.  "She usually sends the best stuff. She's been travelling a lot lately. " 

Mandy eyed the contents. It looked like a lot of wrapped containers and books.  " How do we know what any of this is?" She held up an attached note, that was partially in French.  "I'm only in French 1." 

Alex flipped the note over.  "It's in English on the back.  Says she's been in England and France with her tour group.  Went shopping a little there and when she got back to the states.  "  

Both girls started rifling through the wrappings.  Mostly it was clothes, a huge container of chocolate from England (which Mandy claimed immediately) , and a few books from a Barnes and Noble. But something at the bottom intrigued both girls.  It was a tin with fancy gold and black lettering on it. 

"Caviar?" Alex read,  "Why would she send us this?" 

Mandy inspected the tin.  "I've seen this stuff on TV. It's apparently a delicacy. " 

"Should we...?" Alex began,  trying to pry open the container with one manicured nail.  

Mandy shrugged.  It was worth a try. 

When they managed to open the tin,  both girls took a cursory sniff before tasting a little of the black little bubbles.  

Alex was first, popping a few in her mouth and immediately recoiling.  "Oh! It's salty!" 

Mandy did the same a few seconds later. "It tastes like I just swallowed half an ocean! Why do people eat this?" 

Comments

[shivver]

Good job with the prompt! And with doing the research. It's tough, though, trying to write something you haven't experienced yourself. I've had a lot of caviar and sushi - I love both - and for most people who are unused to seafood, I'd think caviar is much more palatable than sushi. Sushi, at least the way the Japanese prepare it, doesn't have a lot of sauce so you can taste the fish clearly, and if you don't like fish taste (and especially if you don't like fish texture), it's difficult to like.

Caviar is certainly salty, which covers up the fish taste to some extent, but it's not saltier many other foods - I'd definitely consider many cheeses to be saltier, especially something like bleu cheese. If the girls only tried a few eggs at once, it wouldn't be quite as salty as you described. (That's not true for salmon roe, which is much, much larger than sturgeon or whitefish roe, and so a few salmon roe can be overwhelmingly salty.)

Writing-wise, here's concrit. The scene is fine, but written passively. One particular thing: in the second-to-the-last paragraph, there's no need to say that Alex was first. You're already saying that she popped a few in her mouth before you say that Mandy did so, so don't pad with unnecessary words.

For the first paragraph, you have unnecessary scene-setting in the second sentence. You can tell the reader that they're in college, it's the end of term, and near Christmas without actually saying it, and you already do so - it's assumed when Mandy opens the dorm's door, and in the next paragraph when Alex says it's an early Christmas care package. The reader can infer the date and setting from that. Tighten it up by removing that second sentence entirely, and remove the repeat of opening the door. Describe what Alex is doing, not what she's "practically" doing. "Mandy opened the dorm room door to find her roommate Alex dancing around, a large cardboard box in her arms. 'Look! Look! An early Christmas care package from my Aunt Kathy!' She tossed it on Mandy's bed. 'She's been traveling Europe for the past two months. This is going to be the best!'"