Challenge #509

[shivver]

Here's a real challenge: self-critique.

An important part of writing is reading what you've written and identifying what you've done well and what could be improved. Is your writing clear? Did you get your point across? Is your grammar good? Is your style good? Did you head-hop? Does what happens in the passage make sense, or did you forget to mention that Bob opened the door before Mary walked through it? These are just a few of the things you need to consider for your writing.

Today, go back and read some of your writing that you did at least two years ago. It doesn't have to be something you posted, and you don't need to read more than a few paragraphs, but I encourage you to read a few samples, not just one.

Now, choose one of those samples and critique it. Identify at least one thing that you did well and write a paragraph explaining what it was and why it was good. Then, identify at least one thing that could be improved, write a paragraph explaining what it was and why it wasn't so good, and how you would fix it. For bonus points, actually fix it. (Though the real challenge here is the writing of the critique, not the fix.)

Fill: Challenge #509 (DW)

[shivver]

I went back and started reading my fills for this comm back in 2022, and this is the one I've chosen to critique:

https://tenminutesaday.dreamwidth.org/24874.html

The challenge was to take a scene from DW but write it using a different Doctor and companion pair, keeping in mind that with the new characters, with their personalities and goals different from the original, the scene might turn out completely different. I decided to rewrite the scene from "Enlightenment" in which the Guardians offer the prize to Turlough, with Rose and Ten substituted in for Turlough and Five.

In the original scene, the prize for winning the race was enlightenment, and when none of the Eternal teams win the race, the Guardians offer part of the prize to Turlough for helping -- a huge perfect diamond. Turlough had up until now been working for the Black Guardian, so the Black Guardian said that the prize was actually his, but he (Turlough) could take the prize if he gave up something of equal value, in this case, the Doctor. After consideration, Turlough chose to give the diamond to the Black Guardian, and the Doctor said that enlightenment wasn't the diamond, it was the choice. In other words, Turlough learned something about himself -- that though he was greedy by nature, he valued his friend above all the money in the universe -- through the choice he made.

That's what I tried to capture in the scene I wrote. Rose was a good stand-in for Turlough, as a teenager without much self-awareness and a healthy dose of greed, jealousy, and desperation. One of the things I think I did well in the scene was let Rose be tempted by the jewel but then try to take the high road and say that she doesn't need it.

The thing that I didn't do well was the subsequent part: I didn't make it clear what Rose was thinking when she finally made her choice, and thus the ending, where the Doctor walks off saying that "Enlightenment was the choice," was robbed of its meaning.

Unlike with Turlough, the Guardians don't make Rose choose between two things. Instead, the Guardians present Rose a choice of what her prize could be, and she decides she wants security, in specific, she wants to be secure in the knowledge that the Doctor loves her and will stay with her forever. After all, that's all she cared about in series 2. However, I was trying to be subtle with that and didn't make that clear. The only indication of this is the Black Guardian saying, "You wish to be assured of something," and that's it. It really needed to be stated outright that Rose thought that the crystal would make the Doctor love her.

Without that knowledge, the ending doesn't have any impact. The Doctor walks off because now he knows that all Rose really cares about is trying to own him, but that didn't come across at all.

I think the piece needed more of Rose's direct thoughts, especially right after the Black Guardian says the word "security". Maybe something like:

----
Rose bit her lip. Security? Could this jewel answer all my questions? Could it finally make him say...?
----

Even just that much could make the story so much clearer.