shivver: (Ten right)
[personal profile] shivver
The original:

The first thing she did was glance out of the window to see what sort of a view they had. It was reasonably pleasant of the school grounds. Turning her attention back to the rooms, there was a bedroom with two single beds, thank goodness, a rudimentary bathroom for which she sent prayers heavenwards, because what wouldn’t be worse than sharing toilet facilities with droves of young boys; and a tiny AGA type stove that was built into the fireplace, with a lidded hotplate that was only big enough to take a kettle. At least they’d be able to make tea, she thought, since a butler sink stood in the corner near the window that boasted the mod con of having a cold water tap. Actually, now that Donna thought about it, having a cold water tap rather than having to go out to a pump, or even a well, certainly was a modern convenience.

The rewrite:

She strode across the room to glance out of the window and take in the pleasant view overlooking the school grounds. Turning back to the suite, she spied through one door a bedroom, thankfully with two single beds rather than one double, and through the other a rudimentary bathroom which would spare them the indignity of sharing toilet facilities with droves of young boys. The fireplace in the main room had an AGA-type stove built in, with a lidded hotplate barely large enough to take a kettle. Good enough for tea, she thought as she noted the butler sink near the window that boasted the modern (for 1913, anyway) convenience of a cold water tap, much better than going out to a pump or a well.
romanajo123: (Default)
[personal profile] romanajo123
 I used the example paragraph.  

Here's the original- He stopped running when he was only a few paces away, breathing as though running had taken no toll on him at all. It wasn’t the same case for the woman. He was holding a weird old fashioned tape recorder, like the one her dad had once owned. There was something oddly familiar about this bloke, as if she had seen him before.

-------------

(actually the first sentence seems pretty active) The woman on the other hand, seemed like all the puff in her lungs had run out in those few moments. In his hand, the man held an unusual device- a recorder, but like one of those old fashioned ones. She remembered her dad used to have one like it,  She couldn't help feeling a kind of deja vu- like she had seen this bloke before, but couldn't place it. Though he seemed to be somebody it would be hard to forget.
shivver: (musicspheres)
[personal profile] shivver
Style exercise: Active voice! This is a learning/practice challenge, rather than a writing challenge. Make your writing as active as possible, because it draws your reader in. It’s the difference between watching the action and being a part of it. Passive voice is easy to spot: the use of the words “was” and “were” (or in present tense fics, “is” and “are”). Not every use of that verb is passive, but most are.

Here’s a good (yet short and quick) article about passive voice: how to spot it, and how to fix it. https://jerryjenkins.com/fix-passive-voice/

So here’s the challenge:

Go find someone else’s fic and search for a paragraph (Just one! Okay, maybe two.) that uses “was” or “were” in a passive way. (There’s one at the bottom if you don’t want to go search for yourself.) Rewrite the paragraph to make it active. If you can, rewrite the “telling” to make it “showing”. (Another good article from the same site about show vs tell: https://jerryjenkins.com/show-dont-tell/) In your post, include both the original and your rewrite.

Here’s an example, of passive, active, and show instead of tell:

Passive: While their parents were chatting, the kids were being entertained by the magician.

Active: The magician entertained the kids while their parents chatted.

Showing: While their parents relaxed at the picnic table, chatting over their beers, the kids laughed and clapped at every coin pulled from their ears and every disappearing rabbit.


Sample paragraph you can rewrite. In case it helps, the context is that the Doctor and Martha are running up to a woman, who is the point-of-view character.

He stopped running when he was only a few paces away, breathing as though running had taken no toll on him at all. It wasn’t the same case for the woman. He was holding a weird old fashioned tape recorder, like the one her dad had once owned. There was something oddly familiar about this bloke, as if she had seen him before.

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