Fill-challenge 23

[romanajo123]

 I used the example paragraph.  

Here's the original- He stopped running when he was only a few paces away, breathing as though running had taken no toll on him at all. It wasn’t the same case for the woman. He was holding a weird old fashioned tape recorder, like the one her dad had once owned. There was something oddly familiar about this bloke, as if she had seen him before.

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(actually the first sentence seems pretty active) The woman on the other hand, seemed like all the puff in her lungs had run out in those few moments. In his hand, the man held an unusual device- a recorder, but like one of those old fashioned ones. She remembered her dad used to have one like it,  She couldn't help feeling a kind of deja vu- like she had seen this bloke before, but couldn't place it. Though he seemed to be somebody it would be hard to forget.

Comments

[shivver]

Very nice! Great job making it active, and you identified the most problematic sentence and fixed it - "It wasn't the same case for the woman." Writers often pay too little attention to the minor characters, and Martha's definitely the discardable one here. You brought her back into the picture.

The first sentence is definitely active (there's a "was", but it's not a passive-type "was"), but it could be improved upon. I'd do something like, "He skidded to a halt a few paces away, not the least bit winded from his exertion." The skidding sounds a bit more Ten, and dropping the "when he was only" tightens it up a bit.

[romanajo123]

I though about the first sentence, I was going to redo it but read it again before deciing to scrap my redo. It does sound better to say he “ skidded”. :)

That sentence NEEDED to be rewritten! Martha got discarded enough