Challenge 352 (DW)

[romanajo123]

 (I really couldn't resist when I read the challenge.   There is a scene in one of the BBC Books ( one of the Eleven ones) of his funeral, but I wanted to try this. 


The Doctor hurried down the pavement towards the churchyard.   "I hope we haven't missed it" he remarked,  one hand in his pocket.

Nyssa ran a finger through her curls.  " Doctor, I still don't understand.  ON my world, our burials  are a bit  more private. Why are there all these people here?"   

"To pay their respects, Nyssa.  Alistair was important to a lot of people.  Myself, especially." 

Among those assembled;  the Doctor could easily spot Jo Grant (or perhaps, more appropriately, Jo Jones) surrounded by her husband and a handful of children.  Sarah Jane Smith not far away.  And many the Doctor didn't recognize:  a dark-skinned man and woman,  a teenage girl in a leather jacket,   and the most curious of all,  a blonde young woman wearing multicolor clothes who stood at a distance. 

Gesturing for Nyssa to sit down, he took his place in one of the as a vicar began to pray  read from the Scriptures. 

"if there is anyone,"  the vicar started, "Who wishes to say a few words in remembrance of Alistair Gordon Lethbridge- Stewart, please come forward."  

Nyssa watched the Doctor stand,  then pause as the blonde woman in the back did the same.  As if neither of them wanted to be the first to say anything. 

Comments

[shivver]

I know this is a ten-minute thing and it's fine for that. (Also, canon-wise, all of the Doctors attended this funeral.) On a larger scale, though (say, if you wanted to expand this into a larger story), there are a lot of things that don't sit right with me.

The setting isn't described and feels off. The Brig was a retired high-ranking military officer, so it would likely be a military burial, not just a normal burial in a churchyard. I'm also not certain, but most burials I've been to and seen on TV didn't have anywhere to sit - people stood to the side and around while the ceremonies were held. The one time I remember there being chairs was at my uncle's burial - he was a vet and there was a 21-gun salute (is that a UK thing? definitely a US thing), and there was a single row of chairs for my grandmother and a couple of other people important to my uncle; everyone else was standing. (Note that his funeral was separate, which I think is pretty normal - funeral in the church with tons of people, and burial later with usually a smaller group.)

The main thing, though, is that there's a curious lack of emotion. The Doctor could easily be flippant (remarking "I hope we haven't missed it" as if he didn't really care), because he tends to hide what he's thinking and feeling, but the others - they're all just *there*.

Jo Grant is surrounded. Sarah Jane is not far away. The Doctor "could" spot them, but why not have all of them actually *do* things, including the Doctor.

---
The Doctor scanned the assembled mourners for those he might know. Cliff Jones held Jo to him as she wept, blotting her tears with a handkerchief. Sarah Jane Smith leant close to a teenage boy, whispering to him and pointing out people she knew, though her other hand clenched the strap of her handbag tight.
---

Now the people feel more real, reacting more realistically to the death of a friend.

"Many that the Doctor didn't recognize" isn't descriptive, and I have to admit I have no idea who the people other than Thirteen are meant to be.

Quibbles:

Why would Jo bring children to this funeral? It's in around 2012, so they'd have to be her grandkids, so it's weird that she brought her grandkids but not her adult children. (Well, it's weird that she'd bring anyone, as none of them have anything to do with the Brig, other than Cliff.) Sarah Jane would have brought Luke since I believe he met the Brig in SJA, maybe Clyde and Rani (but I doubt it).

From what I'm seeing, British military burials don't read from Scripture, conduct prayers, or have people say anything. They have the vicar read the poem that you hear at the Remembrance Day service in "The Family of Blood" and that's about it, other than the military stuff. There might be a prayer at the end. All of the usual prayers, readings, and eulogies and stuff are done in the church during the actual funeral.

Seems odd for Nyssa to be confused. I'd think she'd be intrigued about getting to see a different species' funeral customs and probably would have done some research beforehand.

Don't refer to Jo as Jo Grant and then put in parentheses that she should be Jo Jones. That reads very awkward. Both the Doctor know she's Jo Jones, and the reader should understand who Jo Jones is - don't sacrifice style or readability for those readers who don't.

Lots of sentence fragments in this work. You've been trending toward more sentence fragments in your writing over the past year, like the very last part of this bit. It might seem stylish to make the second part separate, but it actually looks clumsy.