Fill- Challenge 371 (DW/BF)
Jul. 12th, 2024 07:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
romanajo123 posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
tenminutesaday Based on conversation about Purple Prose and That One Example. You know the one. : P
" It was a dark and stormy night as torrents of rain cascaded down upon the silent sleeping streets unseasonably hushed only to be lulled by the egregious laboured and distressed groaning wheezing sounds emitted by the immense floating box of deepest blue (for it was the TARDIS and indeed was London) its current inhabitants consisting of The Doctor, a man whose sartorial tastes emulated those of a bygone era of the American West and whose hair curled in brown tuffs of flowing softness fallng from above onto a coat of the darkest shade of green and Miss Charlotte Pollard a young adventuress whose own sensibilities were that of the Edwardian era As the pair of anachronistic travellers appeared to leave the great box , Miss Pollard did poroceed to comment dejectedly on the blackness and torrential downpours and her longing for the safety of an umbrella or the quiet serene unfathomable joy only caused by the comfort of indulging in a classic well-loved novel and warm bath"
" It was a dark and stormy night as torrents of rain cascaded down upon the silent sleeping streets unseasonably hushed only to be lulled by the egregious laboured and distressed groaning wheezing sounds emitted by the immense floating box of deepest blue (for it was the TARDIS and indeed was London) its current inhabitants consisting of The Doctor, a man whose sartorial tastes emulated those of a bygone era of the American West and whose hair curled in brown tuffs of flowing softness fallng from above onto a coat of the darkest shade of green and Miss Charlotte Pollard a young adventuress whose own sensibilities were that of the Edwardian era As the pair of anachronistic travellers appeared to leave the great box , Miss Pollard did poroceed to comment dejectedly on the blackness and torrential downpours and her longing for the safety of an umbrella or the quiet serene unfathomable joy only caused by the comfort of indulging in a classic well-loved novel and warm bath"
no subject
Date: 2024-07-13 06:38 am (UTC)Well done, though! It might be too purple for modern tastes, but you did a good job with the description and senses, as well as the intentional purpleness.
The only issue I have with it are a couple of contradictions. First, you have the "torrents of rain" falling on "silent sleeping streets unreasonably hushed". Heavy rain is very noisy. This scene would not be silent or hushed.
Second, you have "lulled by the egregious laboured and distressed groaning wheezing sounds". Laboured, distressed groaning wouldn't lull anyone. Maybe you had a different word in mind?
Oo, also -- you state that it's London but otherwise it's not obvious what the scene actually looks like. Is it modern London, or Victorian, or something else? The original work didn't need to specify because it was assumed to be contemporary with the author's time, but for this, the Doctor could be anywhen.
no subject
Date: 2024-07-13 04:54 pm (UTC)This was fun, but kind of hard coming up with all the descriptions.
(And thanks for the feedback, and I realize I should've made it clear when exactly they were. Somehow I didn't think of it during all the purple-osity )