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tenminutesadayI posted a few months ago in my journal that I've been enjoying the story of Dungeon Crawler Carl, but I find the writing to be subpar and I am not enjoying that part. I often have to reread paragraphs and sections and rewrite them in my mind to try to figure out what's actually being said.
So, I thought that this challenge might be a good exercise for me. I'm rewriting the most recent paragraphs I've read, and they're behind the first cut. Note that DCC is a LitRPG in which the people are all basically in a video game (not really, they're in reality, but reality is now a video game) and have levels and stats and skills that they can see. Also, these people are all regular humans who've had the opportunity to change species, so the mention of the person being "human" means that he chose to remain human.
The characters are currently trying to get into castle made of magical sand by channeling the lightning from the imminent storm into the door. I am rewriting the prose (and may change a bit of what the characters do, if it doesn't feel right to me) but leaving the dialogue intact. Also, you can't tell here, but Gwen just met Carl in the last few minutes and made it clear that she thinks that he's wasting their time. (My rewrite is also not edited, as I have to run off right now.)
I looked up at the sky. The wind was just starting to howl. There wasn't any lightning yet, but it would arrive at any minute. I also noticed another pair of cables high above, connecting the two towers.
"Gwen, Katia. Have you seen any other contacts anywhere? Anywhere else where these clamps might fit?"
"No," Gwen said. "And we searched pretty good. It worked yesterday when the lightning hit."
"Shit, did we do something wrong?" Katia asked, looking nervously up at the sky.
"I'm not sure," I said. "These two towers are already connected, so this second, long cable is redundant. We either need to bring it in with us or it might attach to something out here we haven't found yet."
"There's nothing metal to attach to," Gwen said. She pointed at a human crawler, a level-28 human Swashbuckler. He was a tired-looking Asian man. That was the same class as Bautista. "Tran here has a metal-detecting ability."
"There's nothing?" I asked the man.
He shrugged. "Nothing except that wheel that opens the drainage pipe. Actually, you know what? There is a ring under the wheel. I thought it was a handhold."
I had a thought. "Okay. Disconnect it from the tower so you won't get zapped, but I want you to grab the other end and pull it all the way to the wheel. Let me know if it reaches."
The man looked uncertainly at Gwen, who nodded. He ran off. We watched him disconnect the lead from the south tower and disappear around the side of the castle, dragging the long cable behind him.
(First, I'm removing the mention of the cables connecting the two towers, because the characters approached from a distance and should have seen them back when the towers were described.)
Carl looked up at the sky, searching the roiling black clouds for any hint of when the rain and lightning would come streaking down. The wind picked up, howling as it threw sand in their faces.
He spun on his heel towards Gwen's party. "Gwen, Katia. Have you seen any other contacts anywhere? Anywhere else where these clamps might fit?"
"No," Gwen said. "And we searched pretty good. It worked yesterday when the lightning hit."
"Shit, did we do something wrong?" Katia asked, clapping a hand to her mouth as her eyes traced the connections between the towers and the castle.
"I'm not sure," I said. "These two towers are already connected, so this second, long cable is redundant. We either need to bring it in with us or it might attach to something out here we haven't found yet."
Gwen scowled at him. "There's nothing metal to attach to. She thumbed over her shoulder at a tired-looking Asian human standing with the rest of her group. A level-28 Swashbuckler, he was the same class as Bautista but lacked his confidence and presence. "Tran here has a metal-detecting ability."
Carl frowned at him. "There's nothing?"
He shook his head. "Nothing except that wheel that opens the drainage pipe," he said, then held up a finger and shook it slowly as he thought. "Actually, you know what? There is a ring under the wheel. I thought it was a handhold."
Lighting up with new energy, Carl clapped his hands together. "Okay. Disconnect it from the tower so you won't get zapped, but I want you to grab the other end and pull it all the way to the wheel. Let me know if it reaches."
Tran glanced at his party leader for reassurance and, at her nod, ran to the door. He disconnected the lead of the south tower cable and dragged it behind him as he strode around the castle, stopping only to yank his end to give himself more play, and disappeared out of sight.
(I just realized that this last paragraph makes no sense. Carl told him to disconnect the cable from the south tower first, then take the other end and connect it to the ring. Then he'd have to come back and reconnect the cable to the south tower to complete the circuit. However, Tran never does come back in the book, and in fact, the very next paragraph is the lightning hitting the towers. But since the circuit isn't complete, it shouldn't have done anything.)
(Also, that wheel that opens the drainage pipe? It was described earlier as a "panel". I reread that paragraph multiple times to try to figure out how a panel opens a pipe.)
So, I thought that this challenge might be a good exercise for me. I'm rewriting the most recent paragraphs I've read, and they're behind the first cut. Note that DCC is a LitRPG in which the people are all basically in a video game (not really, they're in reality, but reality is now a video game) and have levels and stats and skills that they can see. Also, these people are all regular humans who've had the opportunity to change species, so the mention of the person being "human" means that he chose to remain human.
The characters are currently trying to get into castle made of magical sand by channeling the lightning from the imminent storm into the door. I am rewriting the prose (and may change a bit of what the characters do, if it doesn't feel right to me) but leaving the dialogue intact. Also, you can't tell here, but Gwen just met Carl in the last few minutes and made it clear that she thinks that he's wasting their time. (My rewrite is also not edited, as I have to run off right now.)
I looked up at the sky. The wind was just starting to howl. There wasn't any lightning yet, but it would arrive at any minute. I also noticed another pair of cables high above, connecting the two towers.
"Gwen, Katia. Have you seen any other contacts anywhere? Anywhere else where these clamps might fit?"
"No," Gwen said. "And we searched pretty good. It worked yesterday when the lightning hit."
"Shit, did we do something wrong?" Katia asked, looking nervously up at the sky.
"I'm not sure," I said. "These two towers are already connected, so this second, long cable is redundant. We either need to bring it in with us or it might attach to something out here we haven't found yet."
"There's nothing metal to attach to," Gwen said. She pointed at a human crawler, a level-28 human Swashbuckler. He was a tired-looking Asian man. That was the same class as Bautista. "Tran here has a metal-detecting ability."
"There's nothing?" I asked the man.
He shrugged. "Nothing except that wheel that opens the drainage pipe. Actually, you know what? There is a ring under the wheel. I thought it was a handhold."
I had a thought. "Okay. Disconnect it from the tower so you won't get zapped, but I want you to grab the other end and pull it all the way to the wheel. Let me know if it reaches."
The man looked uncertainly at Gwen, who nodded. He ran off. We watched him disconnect the lead from the south tower and disappear around the side of the castle, dragging the long cable behind him.
(First, I'm removing the mention of the cables connecting the two towers, because the characters approached from a distance and should have seen them back when the towers were described.)
Carl looked up at the sky, searching the roiling black clouds for any hint of when the rain and lightning would come streaking down. The wind picked up, howling as it threw sand in their faces.
He spun on his heel towards Gwen's party. "Gwen, Katia. Have you seen any other contacts anywhere? Anywhere else where these clamps might fit?"
"No," Gwen said. "And we searched pretty good. It worked yesterday when the lightning hit."
"Shit, did we do something wrong?" Katia asked, clapping a hand to her mouth as her eyes traced the connections between the towers and the castle.
"I'm not sure," I said. "These two towers are already connected, so this second, long cable is redundant. We either need to bring it in with us or it might attach to something out here we haven't found yet."
Gwen scowled at him. "There's nothing metal to attach to. She thumbed over her shoulder at a tired-looking Asian human standing with the rest of her group. A level-28 Swashbuckler, he was the same class as Bautista but lacked his confidence and presence. "Tran here has a metal-detecting ability."
Carl frowned at him. "There's nothing?"
He shook his head. "Nothing except that wheel that opens the drainage pipe," he said, then held up a finger and shook it slowly as he thought. "Actually, you know what? There is a ring under the wheel. I thought it was a handhold."
Lighting up with new energy, Carl clapped his hands together. "Okay. Disconnect it from the tower so you won't get zapped, but I want you to grab the other end and pull it all the way to the wheel. Let me know if it reaches."
Tran glanced at his party leader for reassurance and, at her nod, ran to the door. He disconnected the lead of the south tower cable and dragged it behind him as he strode around the castle, stopping only to yank his end to give himself more play, and disappeared out of sight.
(I just realized that this last paragraph makes no sense. Carl told him to disconnect the cable from the south tower first, then take the other end and connect it to the ring. Then he'd have to come back and reconnect the cable to the south tower to complete the circuit. However, Tran never does come back in the book, and in fact, the very next paragraph is the lightning hitting the towers. But since the circuit isn't complete, it shouldn't have done anything.)
(Also, that wheel that opens the drainage pipe? It was described earlier as a "panel". I reread that paragraph multiple times to try to figure out how a panel opens a pipe.)