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shivverI posted a few months ago in my journal that I've been enjoying the story of Dungeon Crawler Carl, but I find the writing to be subpar and I am not enjoying that part. I often have to reread paragraphs and sections and rewrite them in my mind to try to figure out what's actually being said.
So, I thought that this challenge might be a good exercise for me. I'm rewriting the most recent paragraphs I've read, and they're behind the first cut. Note that DCC is a LitRPG in which the people are all basically in a video game (not really, they're in reality, but reality is now a video game) and have levels and stats and skills that they can see. Also, these people are all regular humans who've had the opportunity to change species, so the mention of the person being "human" means that he chose to remain human.
The characters are currently trying to get into castle made of magical sand by channeling the lightning from the imminent storm into the door. I am rewriting the prose (and may change a bit of what the characters do, if it doesn't feel right to me) but leaving the dialogue intact. Also, you can't tell here, but Gwen just met Carl in the last few minutes and made it clear that she thinks that he's wasting their time. (My rewrite is also not edited, as I have to run off right now.)
( Original, first-person )
( Rewrite, third-person )
So, I thought that this challenge might be a good exercise for me. I'm rewriting the most recent paragraphs I've read, and they're behind the first cut. Note that DCC is a LitRPG in which the people are all basically in a video game (not really, they're in reality, but reality is now a video game) and have levels and stats and skills that they can see. Also, these people are all regular humans who've had the opportunity to change species, so the mention of the person being "human" means that he chose to remain human.
The characters are currently trying to get into castle made of magical sand by channeling the lightning from the imminent storm into the door. I am rewriting the prose (and may change a bit of what the characters do, if it doesn't feel right to me) but leaving the dialogue intact. Also, you can't tell here, but Gwen just met Carl in the last few minutes and made it clear that she thinks that he's wasting their time. (My rewrite is also not edited, as I have to run off right now.)
( Original, first-person )
( Rewrite, third-person )
